We had our final homestudy interview yesterday. It went all wrong. I thought I had planned everything perfectly. The house was spotless. My life book looked nearly professional. Georgia actually was wearing an outfit that I picked out. Rodolfo and I had said a beautiful prayer that morning together anticipating our next child. But when the woman walked through our door, sat down at our breakfast table and said that she wanted us to wait I couldn't believe my ears. She said that she felt like I was still yearning for a biological child and that it wasn't fair to a birthmother and an adopted child to be placed in a family where these emotions exist. I was floored, didn't know what to say, how to respond. You know, in movies the actors all respond so gracefully to events. Even their sorrow looks elegant. Mine did not. I immediately lost all composure and had tears and nose slobber pouring down my face. My voice was high and squeeky and I sounded more like a child than a woman. The reason she came to this conclusion is because I am taking herbal teas, acupuncture and following a fertility diet. Yes, I would like to have a biological child again. But I am still unclear as to how this negates my desire to adopted a child. She argued that when one adopts a person needs to be completely resigned to the fact that they cannot have children any other way. This sounds suspect to me. Don't families with biological children adopt??? I asked her this question and she said not domestically, normally only internationally. I am very perturbed at her conclusion. She said that it is not that we are bad canidates for adoption, she just wants us to get past this stage of yearning for a biological one before we continue down this path. I told her that I don't think any woman who has been diagnosed with infertility ever gets past the yearning for a biological child. How could she? Then she said that we just need to stop actively trying to conceive one of our own before she wants us to move forward. For about 12 hours I pondered this stance. At first I thought, okay maybe she is right, maybe by actively trying to conceive another child I am showing indifference towards adoption. But the more I have considered it, the more strongly I disagree. I JUST WANT A BABY!!!! God is the one that gives a child to a family, not an agency, not a doctor, and not herbs and acupuncture. All I am doing by trying these things is hoping to widen the possibility of a baby coming into my life. I'm trying to cover all my bases in the hopes that somehow, someway, sooner than later a beautiful, healthy, wonderful little person will join our family. Frankly, I could care less how the baby arrives. I've already jumped that hurdle. A baby coming through me or through another woman is not an issue. God is the one that gives a baby to a person and that person does not own the baby (see post a few months ago). I'm even getting nauseated as I type. Have to go. Will conclude later.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Halt!
We had our final homestudy interview yesterday. It went all wrong. I thought I had planned everything perfectly. The house was spotless. My life book looked nearly professional. Georgia actually was wearing an outfit that I picked out. Rodolfo and I had said a beautiful prayer that morning together anticipating our next child. But when the woman walked through our door, sat down at our breakfast table and said that she wanted us to wait I couldn't believe my ears. She said that she felt like I was still yearning for a biological child and that it wasn't fair to a birthmother and an adopted child to be placed in a family where these emotions exist. I was floored, didn't know what to say, how to respond. You know, in movies the actors all respond so gracefully to events. Even their sorrow looks elegant. Mine did not. I immediately lost all composure and had tears and nose slobber pouring down my face. My voice was high and squeeky and I sounded more like a child than a woman. The reason she came to this conclusion is because I am taking herbal teas, acupuncture and following a fertility diet. Yes, I would like to have a biological child again. But I am still unclear as to how this negates my desire to adopted a child. She argued that when one adopts a person needs to be completely resigned to the fact that they cannot have children any other way. This sounds suspect to me. Don't families with biological children adopt??? I asked her this question and she said not domestically, normally only internationally. I am very perturbed at her conclusion. She said that it is not that we are bad canidates for adoption, she just wants us to get past this stage of yearning for a biological one before we continue down this path. I told her that I don't think any woman who has been diagnosed with infertility ever gets past the yearning for a biological child. How could she? Then she said that we just need to stop actively trying to conceive one of our own before she wants us to move forward. For about 12 hours I pondered this stance. At first I thought, okay maybe she is right, maybe by actively trying to conceive another child I am showing indifference towards adoption. But the more I have considered it, the more strongly I disagree. I JUST WANT A BABY!!!! God is the one that gives a child to a family, not an agency, not a doctor, and not herbs and acupuncture. All I am doing by trying these things is hoping to widen the possibility of a baby coming into my life. I'm trying to cover all my bases in the hopes that somehow, someway, sooner than later a beautiful, healthy, wonderful little person will join our family. Frankly, I could care less how the baby arrives. I've already jumped that hurdle. A baby coming through me or through another woman is not an issue. God is the one that gives a baby to a person and that person does not own the baby (see post a few months ago). I'm even getting nauseated as I type. Have to go. Will conclude later.
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