Newborns

Last year, after I discovered and spread the news of my fertility challenges, wouldn't you know it, all of my friends became pregnant. In the past year I have had 15 friends (yes, 15!) tell me they are pregnant. I guess they all figured it was time to start on #2. I've watched them get morning sickness, get round and beautiful, some have gone on bedrest, others made it to the finish line with no problem. Now they are all talking about what a challenge it is with 2 and I am enjoying the freedom of one. One beautiful, healthy, fabulous 3 year old. I am so thankful for my darling Georgia. What has come out of my year of wishing I was pregnant is the birth of something a little unexpected. I LOVE photography. In fact, every free moment I have I spend it pouring over photography books, blogs, and my own efforts. I've been trying to take advantage of being around a lot of newborn babies. The photo above is of little Caelan Love. He was born two weeks ago today. I didn't come up with the idea for this pose. I've seen it on other photographer's blogs. But isn't it cute? And isn't he adorable? It is fun handling and being close to the newborns. And I cannot wait until I get to take some toddler shots. I am trying to build up a portfolio and maybe, in time, start a website.

50 Year Anniversary

Here she is with my old barbie box and barbie canopy bed.

Georgia looks like a doll to me. A doll playing with dolls.

Georgia discovered my old Barbie stuff while we were cleaning at Omama and Opapa's house. She has enjoyed pulling out all the clothes, brushing their hair and putting them to sleep. When we ate bar-b-que chicken the other night she gave us all a lesson explaining that barbie and bar-b-que are the same thing. She is still confused on that topic. :) I was in Pottery Barn Kids the other day and noticed that they have an entire Barbie bedroom ensemble. Apparently this year is Barbie's 50th anniversary. The bed decor celebrates this milestone. That would mean that she first presented herself on the retail stage in 1959. Hmmm... Barbie is such a controversial symbol now-a-days. Sometimes I feel guilty allowing Gigi to play with her because of all the psycho-babble hype. Is it all that bad to let your child play with a beautiful doll? Does she really embody a female role that is negative? I know for sure that I never used Barbie as a measuring rod when I compared myself to an ideal woman. In fact, I've always thought it kind of funny when people look too much like Barbie. Not that I wouldn't love big boobs and long full hair, but still, Barbie is not my go-to source when I wonder how I should behave, look, be as a woman. When I was growing up, every now and again I would receive the admonishing that I should strive to be like the Proverbs 31 woman. Now if anyone that woman is setting a standard that is way difficult to achieve. Still, I believe there is much truth in that passage, and my favorite line is "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD shall be praised." So, Barbie, happy birthday. And Georgia, dear, have fun playing with my old dolls but remember the ultimate standard is not Bar-b-que, but Proverbs 31.

Wild at heart

Penelope, blooming again. As lovely and as fragrant as ever.
My Spanish lavender. Stinky but beautiful.

My garden has gone completely wild. It had such great potential to be this little oasis of structured fecundity. Instead it is this jungle of weeds, flowers and fruit. I can't say that it is all that bad to have this jumbled mess. It is still nice to see things sprouting and growing, and when the sun shines on it in the morning and evening it is still beautiful to me, but it is not what I had planned. I was speaking to a man from India the other day about the Indian goddess of destruction, I think her name is Kali. She is symbolic of the forces in nature that destroy and she is not evil, she just exists as a natural cycle of life. Life emerges, is organized and is then destroyed and she represents this final stage in the cycle. I guess my garden is nearing its final stages. It is about to be destroyed by the coming winter. Harvest time is right now, and I am still getting carrots, tomatoes, tomatillos, bell peppers, kung fu peppers, banana peppers, basil and all the other herbs. But the winter is near. It is sad to see a garden destroyed by winter. But winter time has its benefits too. It allows the ground to rest and there is always the promise of spring. I've heard that there are plants that one can grow during the winter months-- beans, garlic, onions and cabbage. The French do that. Those crazy French. Always doing what they want because they can. I think I will too.

Nieces are nice

Had the pleasure of photographing Elle-belle this past weekend. She is the happiest, most angelic child. She smiled every time I'd twinkle my eyes her direction and would wave her chubby little baby paw to say hello. Don't know what is better than smiles and waves from babies you love!

Untitled

Today started out very pleasant. Painted Gigi's nails. We relaxed around the house and ran a few errands. This afternoon I received the biggest shock of my life. It was not a good shock. I guess a new path is being forged now. Can't explain what it will be. Don't even know if I'm thinking straight. Now everything will change.

The Emperor Moth

A man once found a cocoon of the beautiful emperor moth and took it home so that he could watch the moth emerge from the cocoon.

On the day a small opening appeared, he sat enthralled and watched for several hours as the moth struggled to force its body through the little hole. After a while it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could go and it could go no further. He just seemed to be stuck.

So the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth... he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon. To his relief, the moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand and support the body, which would contract in time, and the moth would fly away. But it never happened. In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Freedom and flight could only come after struggle. By depriving the moth of its struggle, he deprived the moth of health and freedom.

If we were to go through life without any obstacles or struggle, we too would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we would have been. Give every struggle (opportunity) a chance, learn to grow beyond it and fly free of your cocoon - leave no room for regrets.

-Author Unknown

Layers

Have you ever noticed how layers make life more interesting? Cook a hamburger using meat straight out of the package with a bun straight from the grocery store and slap some american cheese on it and you have a burger. However, if you take the time to season your meat with some salt and pepper (and whatever else you prefer), add a few onions to the pan before you cook your meat, take time to butter and toast your buns, and then use a cheese that has been aged -- like a good aged cheddar, then you have A BURGER! There is more to it than the basic ingredients-- it has been layered with flavor and wow how those layers bring out the best in the end product!

I've started to notice that everything is better with layers-- makeup application looks better layered, decorating is better layered, cooking is better with layers and so is photography! Even people are layered. Children come fresh out of the package and it is endearing and fabulous because they are so in the moment and honest about it. As people age, there are experiences, sad and happy ones, that form the person and make them interesting, profound and sometimes difficult to understand. Sometimes you have to peel the layers away to get at the core of a person. And sometimes a person is so transparent you see through to the core immediately, even though there are many layers.

It takes courage to be transparent about one's life and to be honest about the layers-- the good and the bad ones. I think art (music, literature, painting, film, sculpture, architecture, etc.) that is powerful and speaks volumes comes from an artist who is honest. Honesty resonates with humanity and elevates expression-- whatever kind, to true art and sometimes even to a masterpiece. There are artists in each of us with an expression to be made if we are courageous enough to be honest with ourselves and voice it. I guess life is an evolution towards expressing this inner voice. And I read somewhere that true art is the expression of the divine within-- of God within us. When we reach that moment of honesty in our work/expression we are communing with God Himself because God is the embodiment of truth (as well as love) and that, my friends, is beautiful!

Hair-raising moments

Michael, Laurie's husband, snapped this photo of Elle at Gigi's wild and crazy birthday party. I had so much fun snapping pictures of all the children but there was so much going on that I couldn't catch everything and I'm glad that Michael was there snapping along too. This moment is hilarious, and like the commercial says, priceless!! The blueberry photo I snatched off of facebook from Mindy's album. It makes me laugh every time I see it. Oh that Elle! Like mother, like daughter. :)

Happy 3rd Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Georgia, Happy Birthday to you! At 11:37 AM 3 years ago today you came into the world and changed our lives forever. You are a special, fabulous blessing and we love you. We hope you liked your cinnamon roll birthday wake up this morning. And we hope you love your princess/pool/bubble party tomorrow! Kisses forever you darling dearest angel! Love, Mommy & Papi

Ideas!

Every now and again I just get bombarded with fascinating ideas and possibilities. This past week has been one of those times. I've had a million and one ideas swirling around in my head. Photoshop has been my main creative focus the past few months and I still want it to stay that way. But a new glorious idea that Rodolfo and I have discussed for over 6 months is seeming to ripen as well and oh how I would like to pursue it!
In the photo above, Georgia is telling me about her necklace which was a gift from her Abuela Orie, Abuelo Ofo and Abuelita Tenchi. She loves that necklace. Aren't her eyes pretty?

Le Weekend!

We have had an easy, breezy, beautiful weekend so far. Last night we went over to the lake and walked around. It felt so carefree to just say to heck with routine and bedtime, let's go have fun! We even took Wally and were glad to have our canine companion plopping along beside us. This afternoon we had lunch with Granny to celebrate her 88th birthday-- Happy Birthday Granny! And then this evening we are headed over to my parents to celebrate my dad's 55th (or is it 26th?) birthday. Of course, we are gearing up for Gigi's big 3rd birthday coming very soon. My week is sure to be full of planning and preparations. Ah! I love summer!

Firestation & Hair Brushing

We visited the Edmond firestation today with a group of girls from church. It was really actually an educational visit. I figured it would be 15 minutes of organized chaos with the little ones, but the kids actually behaved well and listened to the firemen who were full of lots of pertinent advice. We were there for an hour. The highlight, of course, was when the kids got to sit in the firetruck (see above), but seeing the fireman suit up into his uniform was a close second. Georgia was not intimidated at all by the hat and mask and actually went up and gave the fireman a high-five. She also spent a lot of time brushing her hair and the hair of those around her. This has become her thing, brushing hair. If you look closely at the last picture, she even has the hair brush in the firetruck!! Silly girl. :)

Halt!

We had our final homestudy interview yesterday. It went all wrong. I thought I had planned everything perfectly. The house was spotless. My life book looked nearly professional. Georgia actually was wearing an outfit that I picked out. Rodolfo and I had said a beautiful prayer that morning together anticipating our next child. But when the woman walked through our door, sat down at our breakfast table and said that she wanted us to wait I couldn't believe my ears. She said that she felt like I was still yearning for a biological child and that it wasn't fair to a birthmother and an adopted child to be placed in a family where these emotions exist. I was floored, didn't know what to say, how to respond. You know, in movies the actors all respond so gracefully to events. Even their sorrow looks elegant. Mine did not. I immediately lost all composure and had tears and nose slobber pouring down my face. My voice was high and squeeky and I sounded more like a child than a woman. The reason she came to this conclusion is because I am taking herbal teas, acupuncture and following a fertility diet. Yes, I would like to have a biological child again. But I am still unclear as to how this negates my desire to adopted a child. She argued that when one adopts a person needs to be completely resigned to the fact that they cannot have children any other way. This sounds suspect to me. Don't families with biological children adopt??? I asked her this question and she said not domestically, normally only internationally. I am very perturbed at her conclusion. She said that it is not that we are bad canidates for adoption, she just wants us to get past this stage of yearning for a biological one before we continue down this path. I told her that I don't think any woman who has been diagnosed with infertility ever gets past the yearning for a biological child. How could she? Then she said that we just need to stop actively trying to conceive one of our own before she wants us to move forward. For about 12 hours I pondered this stance. At first I thought, okay maybe she is right, maybe by actively trying to conceive another child I am showing indifference towards adoption. But the more I have considered it, the more strongly I disagree. I JUST WANT A BABY!!!! God is the one that gives a child to a family, not an agency, not a doctor, and not herbs and acupuncture. All I am doing by trying these things is hoping to widen the possibility of a baby coming into my life. I'm trying to cover all my bases in the hopes that somehow, someway, sooner than later a beautiful, healthy, wonderful little person will join our family. Frankly, I could care less how the baby arrives. I've already jumped that hurdle. A baby coming through me or through another woman is not an issue. God is the one that gives a baby to a person and that person does not own the baby (see post a few months ago). I'm even getting nauseated as I type. Have to go. Will conclude later.

Peek-a-boo!

Yea! Here is the other photo I was trying to load last night. Glad it finally loaded.

Playing

Been playing with my camera and photoshop today. Here are the best from today's work. There is one other shot that I keep trying to download but it won't take on blogspot. Don't know why. It is one of her smiling. A nice contrast to these more serious photos.

singing in the rain

We received a true down pour of rain yesterday. It was such an unexpected and welcome occurance. It rained on the 4th and now again on the 27th. Is this really July? Our yard might actually be green in August! Last night, once the skies had cleared, we had the pleasure of walking in 70 degree weather. When we returned home, Georgia did a rendition from the Sound of Music and had me and Rodolfo as her back up group. It was so funny because every time Rodolfo would try to get up to leave she would tug on his neck and nearly choke him because she so wanted us to continue singing with her. And of course we did. We all sang for about half an hour and then played like we were on an airplane and then at the doctor. Interesting how play imitates life. Kids are so fascinating.

Wild Coyotes are Magical

Just spent the past 5 days sleeping in this tent on an expansive estate in Ojai, California. I haven't slept outdoors in ages. The experience was breathtaking. Because our tent faced east-west, I literally awoke every morning as the sun was rising. The sunlight would ever so gently peek its head up above the trees and the rays of light would stretch out their arms to shine straight upon me. I felt like it was God saying goodmorning. The experience was grand. I picked oranges, lemons and a fig straight off of their trees. I hiked. I lived. I breathed. It was wonderful. The most memorable part though was the night the coyotes ran by our tent. My roommate and I heard them rustle around but we didn't know what animal they were until they were some distance from us and they cried their pack howl together. It was frightening and magical. I won't forget this experience ever. I told Rodolfo that maybe we should set a tent up in the backyard. That way, whenever we want, we can sleep under the stars. Wouldn't that be nice? I think so.

Tennessee Family Reunion

We spent a long weekend in Tennessee relaxing and having a fabulous time hanging out with a side of the family we need to see a lot more often. Many thanks to Chris and Barbara for opening their home to us-- what a resort nieghborhood you live in! It was very touching to listen to Uncle Ronnie talk about family. His role of family patriarch suits him nicely. He reminded me a lot of Papa. Besides all of the lineage information he shared, I would like to add that if the innate stubborness of any Johnson is a clue, I'd definitely say that we descended from the William Wallace clan. :)

Georgia had a great time hanging out with all of her new-found cousins. She vividly remembers swinging with Trent and sliding with Kendal. Just today she asked me where "the boys" went to (referring to Hunter and Oliver). I had to break it to her that they were still back in Tennessee. She and Sophia had fun chasing each other around and brushing each others (and their own) hair (see photo above). But my favorite memory of Georgia and Sophia is from Big Ed's when they were licking parmesan and eating chocolate cupcakes-- what a mess indeed!

Interviews

Rodolfo and I had our interviews for the adoption last Thursday. I was so nervous and I don't know why. I was more nervous with this interview than I was even with Rodolfo's green card interview (which was way more intimidating). Maybe my emotions were high because these interviews signify that we are that much closer to actually, physically, tangibly holding our next baby. I mean, the interviews were conducted in the same building where birthmoms enter and exit. Who knows, our birthmom could have been in there the same time we were! She there with the baby in her womb. It is so strange this type of waiting. While you are pregnant you prepare for the baby that you feel inside of you. You know that it is coming because your belly grows, you feel the kicks you see the heartbeat. When you adopt the sensations are different. It is more a matter of the heart. You sense it all, the coming of your next child, its development, its being, but you sense it in a spiritual sense and an emotional one. You know that baby is there but you just can't see it. It is all very strange becoming parents again this way. But I am ready and I am learning so much about love through this whole process. Little one, wherever you are, I love you and can't wait to meet you. Grow strong! We are praying and thinking about you all the time!

Happy 4th!

July 4th was surprisingly cool and rainy this year. The Graves invited us over for a cook out. Georgia and Ashleigh had a good-old time running around in their bathing suits even though it was a little chilly. We popped kid-friendly fireworks, ate and talked. It was very low key and relaxing. On our drive home we passed downtown just as the grand finale was shooting over the night sky. The timing couldn't have been better. Was a nice way to top off our 4th!