From the mouth of babes...

This morning, as I was getting Georgia ready for the day, she looked me squarely in the eyes and said, "Mom, I talked to God and He told me that you are pregnant.  You are going to have a baby.  You don't have to wait anymore."  She said it so matter of fact and with such clarity I had to just stare at her for a minute.  Georgia knows a minscule amount about my struggle to have a second child.  We've talked before about how we are waiting to see if God will bless us with another baby.  But our discussions have been one or two sentences max.  Her comment today really surprised me.  There was a huge part of me that wanted to take her message at face value.  I really wish it were true.  My response was something along the lines of "wouldn't that be wonderful."  I think Georgia is beginnig to think about siblings and desire one.  I do not know if she was motivated by her ponderings on siblings or if she actually heard a message from God.  I wouldn't put it past God to deliver a message through a child.  Just thought I'd put it here to document in case it does happen! :)  I will say that there is some science to beliefs and their effects on biology.  I am about to read a book called The Biology of Belief.  It deals with this very topic and is based on a very new branch of science called epigenetics.  Epigenetics asserts that thoughts not genetics determine your overall health.  It is not a "name it and claim it" type of idea.  Epigenetics has to do with electrical currents that run through the brain and the effect they have on biology.  I can't wait to read it!

Halt!

We had our final homestudy interview yesterday. It went all wrong. I thought I had planned everything perfectly. The house was spotless. My life book looked nearly professional. Georgia actually was wearing an outfit that I picked out. Rodolfo and I had said a beautiful prayer that morning together anticipating our next child. But when the woman walked through our door, sat down at our breakfast table and said that she wanted us to wait I couldn't believe my ears. She said that she felt like I was still yearning for a biological child and that it wasn't fair to a birthmother and an adopted child to be placed in a family where these emotions exist. I was floored, didn't know what to say, how to respond. You know, in movies the actors all respond so gracefully to events. Even their sorrow looks elegant. Mine did not. I immediately lost all composure and had tears and nose slobber pouring down my face. My voice was high and squeeky and I sounded more like a child than a woman. The reason she came to this conclusion is because I am taking herbal teas, acupuncture and following a fertility diet. Yes, I would like to have a biological child again. But I am still unclear as to how this negates my desire to adopted a child. She argued that when one adopts a person needs to be completely resigned to the fact that they cannot have children any other way. This sounds suspect to me. Don't families with biological children adopt??? I asked her this question and she said not domestically, normally only internationally. I am very perturbed at her conclusion. She said that it is not that we are bad canidates for adoption, she just wants us to get past this stage of yearning for a biological one before we continue down this path. I told her that I don't think any woman who has been diagnosed with infertility ever gets past the yearning for a biological child. How could she? Then she said that we just need to stop actively trying to conceive one of our own before she wants us to move forward. For about 12 hours I pondered this stance. At first I thought, okay maybe she is right, maybe by actively trying to conceive another child I am showing indifference towards adoption. But the more I have considered it, the more strongly I disagree. I JUST WANT A BABY!!!! God is the one that gives a child to a family, not an agency, not a doctor, and not herbs and acupuncture. All I am doing by trying these things is hoping to widen the possibility of a baby coming into my life. I'm trying to cover all my bases in the hopes that somehow, someway, sooner than later a beautiful, healthy, wonderful little person will join our family. Frankly, I could care less how the baby arrives. I've already jumped that hurdle. A baby coming through me or through another woman is not an issue. God is the one that gives a baby to a person and that person does not own the baby (see post a few months ago). I'm even getting nauseated as I type. Have to go. Will conclude later.

Interviews

Rodolfo and I had our interviews for the adoption last Thursday. I was so nervous and I don't know why. I was more nervous with this interview than I was even with Rodolfo's green card interview (which was way more intimidating). Maybe my emotions were high because these interviews signify that we are that much closer to actually, physically, tangibly holding our next baby. I mean, the interviews were conducted in the same building where birthmoms enter and exit. Who knows, our birthmom could have been in there the same time we were! She there with the baby in her womb. It is so strange this type of waiting. While you are pregnant you prepare for the baby that you feel inside of you. You know that it is coming because your belly grows, you feel the kicks you see the heartbeat. When you adopt the sensations are different. It is more a matter of the heart. You sense it all, the coming of your next child, its development, its being, but you sense it in a spiritual sense and an emotional one. You know that baby is there but you just can't see it. It is all very strange becoming parents again this way. But I am ready and I am learning so much about love through this whole process. Little one, wherever you are, I love you and can't wait to meet you. Grow strong! We are praying and thinking about you all the time!

Mailed and Delivered!

Drum roll please....Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....ching! I finally sent those papers to the agency!

This is how I decided to move forward:

A few nights ago I was praying and asking God to help me love an adopted child like my own, without distinction. I said "Dear Lord, please let me love this child like my own," and then I went on a tangent and said "not my own in the sense that I own the child, but in the sense that he/she is mine to guide, encourage and safely and lovingly introduce and lead through this world." And then, the strangest thing happened, it occured to me that every child He gives a couple, whether biological or adopted, is given to the couple for this purpose. We don't have any other claims to the child in the sense that he/she is ours, even if the child comes from our own bodies. All children/people belong to God alone. It was just like this gigantic lightbulb went off in my head. Understanding parenting from this perspective helped me get over the hesitation of sending those papers. The next day I felt completely fine and mailed them in. What a faith-stretcher, this process!! And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I selected to trust Him and mail those papers, God, as usual, has completely come right along by my side and given me a foundation of peace about the whole thing. I don't have anymore knots in my stomach or questions. I know that it is in His hands and He is leading us perfectly. Ah, this journey. Life is really interesting.

Ready, set, wait!

We have now officially completed all of the paperwork, doctor's appointments, fingerprints, background checks and coursework for adoption. All we need to do is put the papers in the mail and pay the adoption agency starting fee and we are ready for the homestudy interviews, which ultimately places us on the list. The papers have been sitting on my mantle for 4 days now and they haven't budged. My mind has raced over them plenty of times, but my actions have been halted towards the papers. It's this strange feeling, this question in my mind-- am I ready? It is the weirdest thing because I long for a baby, I know there is someone missing from our family, that there is supposed to be this other little one sitting at our breakfast table, but I still wonder if it is possible, if a miracle can happen in my own body.

Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. I eventually got out of bed. I couldn't get my infertility off of my mind. I decided to search the internet about my specific issue-- high FSH. I came across a wonderful website ( http://www.highfshinfo.com/ ) that connected me to a book called Inconceivable written by Julie Indichova. She is a woman who faced my same diagnosis and overcame the odds by changing her diet and doing yoga. Basically, she slowed down enough to take care of herself in ways that she had not done in years. It was a very touching book-- I bought it yesterday and have already finished reading it. It inspires me to see the possibilities within my own predicament.

Stroll down memory lane

Margaritaville, April 1999
Thinking we are hot stuff!
Moonstruck, February 1999
Rodolfo's graduation, 2001

Three weekends ago Rodolfo and I completed (finally) the 13 hour seminar our adoption agency requires before a couple can begin the adoption process. It was a douzy of a conference with a lot of information. We now have the green light to begin filing paperwork, to do a home study and to put together our adoption album. I've scanned 234 photos so far in the process of compiling this album. I don't think I will use all of these pictures, but there are so many great ones and I just can't decide which will make the cut yet so I'm scanning them all and will decide as I piece the album together. The photos above are some of my absolute favorites from our early days. The first two photos were taken 10 years ago almost to the month! Can you believe that? This scanning process sure has been a trip down memory lane. I didn't realize how many memories Rodolfo and I have made in the past 10 years until I stacked up all of our albums. I'm only halfway through my albums so I guess I have about another 234 more to go!!

Adoption process

Isn't that a pretty rose? It is from my garden. I'm not ready for summer to be over and I imagine that I might have one last flush of roses before the winter really sets in. We have been having some windy weather lately and I guess it is pushing out the heat and moving in the cool. Last year at this time Rodolfo's mom and grandmother were here. I remember our evenings in the "green room", chatting quietly so not as to wake Georgia and drinking tea. We reminisced about days gone by, laughed about all sorts of funny things and fretted over Rodolfo's job. It was nice having them here.

Lately we have been busy applying for our adoption. We are going to go through Deaconess Hospital. Lengthy is the perfect word for the process. First you apply to the agency. Once approved you begin a 6 week home study. In February we will attend a 11.5 hour training class that teaches us about adoption and prepares us for the event. We must then submit a "life book", like a scrapbook, that gives a glimpse of our family. People put in wedding pictures, travel pictures, graduation pictures and family photos. I'm going to create mine on blurb.com. Once all this happens, then our profile is posted online and in the agency office for interested birth mothers to peruse. Once selected by a birthmother, depending how open she wants the adoption to be, we will meet with her so that she can make sure we are the type of people she feels comfortable adopting her child to. If she approves of us, then we wait for the baby to arrive. Many times the adoptive family gets to be present at the hospital when the baby is born. After the necessary stay, we can then take the baby home from the hospital. There is a trial period where the birthmother still has a chance to change her mind. I think it is about 2 weeks. If no changes happen, then the baby will legally be ours. At least that is how I understand it. We prayed with our pastor yesterday about this entire process and I left feeling very good and a little humbled. It is really remarkable to watch God work and to be a part of His greater plan. A year ago I was planning when I would have my next child. Now I realize how little control I have. I also realize more profoundly than ever how each child is a blessing. We pray for this little one, this blessing, that God will lead us to him/her and that he/she will have a safe and healthy journey to our home.

Steep learning curves

There are moments in my life where the learning curve is steep. Right now is one of those moments. Making decisions about how to grow our family has opened my eye to the myriad of moral and ethical questions involved with in vitro. I thought it was a simple procedure of implanting fertilized eggs into the uterus, but then as I dug deeper into the process the whole idea of embryo selection, freezing the remaining embryos and then the question of what to do with the embryos that you no longer need/want really struck the wrong chord with my pro-life views. There is a wonderful article on the Vatican website that spells out the important questions a Christian must ask of herself when looking into this process. The link to this article is: http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_academies/acdlife/documents/rc_pont-acd_life_doc_20040316_x-gen-assembly-final_en.html . It is not light reading, but if you have 30 minutes, and you want to puruse the topic, it is an eye-opening read.

That being said, my interest in adoption has now been piqued even further. Did you know that you can adopt a child domestically by private means (simply an arrangement between two lawyers), through an agency or through a government program called "foster to adopt"? I had no idea. Then, if you are interested in international adoptions you must know the rules and current political status of adoption in the specific country in which you are interested. For example, right now U.S. citizens cannot adopt from Guatemala until some kind of Hague decision is made. China has curbed its adoptions because it wanted to look good for the Olympics (although they say it is because domestic interest in adoption is on the rise), adoptions from Russia and Eastern Europe are weighted down by the same issues present in U.S. domestic adoptions-- alcohol & drugs. Other countries like Korea and the Phillippines don't have these issues, the children for adoption from these countries are available because of poverty/abandonment. What madness and sadness there is in the world! But the beautiful thing about adoption is that it brings good-- family, provision, hope-- to situations that would otherwise be tragic. And the good comes to both those doing the adopting and those who are adopted.

So then, in vitro, though it does provide one with a child, also ultimately eliminiates many of the 5-20 lives it starts. It brings evil (death, indefinite frozen state, and at the worst, stem-cell research) to a good (life). But adoption, on the other hand, brings good (family, love, shelter, protection, education) to those children who need it most. What are your thoughts on in vitro? Have you ever explored the topic? I would be interested in hearing what others think about it as well.

Summer Star

Gigi's vocabulary is exploding! She is repeating every other word I say and she is stringing 3 words sentences together left and right! I'm so proud of this little girl! I still haven't seen any of the birthday pictures yet but will post some as soon as I can get a copy of my dad's pictures.

On Gigi's birthday she looked up at Rodolfo and said "best friend, Papi, best friend". His heart just about melted. Then later on that day she said to me "best friend, Mommy, best friend." My heart melted too. I don't know what is better, hearing Mommy for the first time, I love you for the first time, or best friend. They are all up there as those shining moments that I cannot forget!

As for an update on the adoptions, they have not worked out. The mothers chose to parent their babies. It is okay for me. Everything happened in such a whirlwind. It is probably better that Rodolfo and I have time to think about what direction we will go next. Plus, I know the decision was very difficult for the mothers and I am glad that they will keep their children. We continue to ask God for a miracle in my ovaries. I know that He hears our prayers.

Update

Many people have asked for an update since the last post about our doctor's visit. I have delayed updating the blog about this because we have been trying to sort through all of the emotions that come along with being told in one sentence that we probably cannot have anymore children of our own and then in the next, being asked the question, would you like to adopt? It has been a lot to weigh in such a short period of time. But after examining the situation from all angles available to us, we have decided to pursue the adoption. We have made the first steps in this pursuit by writing a "Life Letter". This letter is where the adopting family writes to the birthmother describing the family with words and pictures. The birthmother will look at several letters and select the family that most closely fits her adopting family ideal. So, we may or may not be selected. However, we reasoned that the opportunity was too great to pass, and beyond that, we felt lead in this direction. Within a couple of weeks we should know if we were chosen by the birthmother. Until then, I plan on relaxing and enjoying my summer. If we are selected, then I think we will have much to prepare for very quickly, so a little R&R should be taken while I have the chance! :) Thanks to all the friends and family who have called and sent letters. You guys are the best and really have helped us feel loved.
P.S. My tests have come back inconclusive due to a benign cyst on my ovary and will be repeated again next month.

Unexpected Twist

We visited our doctor today, arriving five minutes later than our appointment (we are never on time, this is something I need to put on my New Year's resolution list). After filling the paperwork and signing what seemed to be a whole lot of papers, we moved through a typical doctor's office routine. Upon meeting the doctor, I instantly liked him. He was very kind and had the demeanour of a true scholar. His office was decorated with some funky paintings and knick-knacks that I'm assuming he collected on travels to Asia and Africa. He had an ease in talking to us and spoke with the hint of an accent. He told us basically what I had anticipated. My FSH level is quite high, it is very likely that I am experiencing ovarian failure, that we are going to do some tests and if these are negative, we have the option of invitro. What happened in the middle of this discussion is where the unexpected arrived. While we were in his office discussing these details, he received a phone call and excused himself to take it. I was a little nervous about the whole visit and wasn't really paying attention to the doctor's conversation on the phone. However, Rodolfo was, and while the doctor was talking he turned to me and whispered "babies". I wasn't quite sure what he meant but smiled at him to reassure him that yes, babies are what we hope to have. Little did I expect then what the doctor was about to tell us. When he finished his phone conversation he looked at us and explained in a very non-chalant way that this phone call was from a doctor friend of his who has 2 patients wanting to place their as yet unborn babies up for adoption. One will be born in 2 weeks. The other will be born in September. He said, quite frankly, that he rarely receives phone calls like this, that it is quite unusual that there are 2 babies, and that if we believe in miracles or serendipity that, well, this may be just that. When he said this I realized that he meant that here is an opportunity for us to adopt a child if we are interested. I really did not know what to say. I mean, this is quite a bit of information to take in a doctor's visit. Let's see, confirmation that this ovarian failure thing is real and that if we are open to it, we might have the possiblity of adopting a child in 2 weeks. Hmm... My response was, yes we do believe in miracles, that we have been praying for one and that we would like to think about this information. He seemed happy with the response and told us to let him know in 24 hours. We then talked more about the tests that we will be doing and concluded our appointment. And then as we were leaving he told us one more time, as if to emphasize the point, that this type of phone call is a rare occurance and we should really consider it.
Wow! Well, let me tell you we have been thinking about it non-stop ever since. We have no doubt that this "serendipitous" moment was indeed a miracle! One that was orchestrated and perfectly timed by the Creator of Life Himself. And because of this we have decided to learn more about the birth-parents and their situations and to present our family to them as well. If all pans out, we will pursue the adoption. It is amazing to type these things only 24 hours since my last entry. I did not expect anything like this from today's appointment. But how can anyone doubt that this is not from God? I think it would be foolish to not pursue this possibility. Will we be able to conceive a child of our own again? Maybe, maybe not. But here is an opportunity right in front of us where He may be presenting us with a child. We will see. Please continue to pray for us. Thank you.

Answered Prayer #1

I didn't think I would be writing this soon, but God has answered the first prayer. An appointment opened tomorrow with the doctor. I am so glad!! Once we have talked with him I will update this entry. Good night.

Great is thy faithfulness

Well, last week we received some rather startling news. I have been getting regular blood tests because my thyroid is low. About a month ago the doctor noticed that my FSH level was high (around 40). She ran the test again last week and it was much higher-- 95. At this level the doctor said that it appears that my ovaries are failing or have already failed. Basically put, at 31 years of age, I may have passed the point of being able to conceive another child. I have had about 5 days to digest this information and have decided to write about it on this blog for a couple of reasons. First, it is a nice way for me to sort through my thoughts. Second, it will give me an opportunity to discuss my faith. You see, I believe very firmly that God is going to work through this situation to encourage my faith and the faith of those who read this blog. It is a scary thing to be told at 31 that you cannot have any more children- ever. Especially when you very much desire to carry and nurture another one. Yes, I am fortunate to have been able to at least have done this once in my life, and I am very, very thankful for my beautiful daughter, Georgia. Still, there is a longing inside of my heart to have another one and I am trusting that in His way, and in His perfect timing, God will provide another child for our family. So, what is the first thing on my agenda besides prayer? It is a meeting with a fertility specialist. We have an appointment on July 24. I am in the process of trying to move the appointment up. Apparently there are only 3 fertitility specialists in Oklahoma, so they are quite busy. Every need out there is important, for sure. Time is of the essence in my situation and so I am hoping that we can get in before the 24th. I will keep you posted on how things progress. In the meantime, dear blog reader, please pray for us that God would work as the Great Physician and heal my ovaries if it is His will. Thank you.

"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul; therefore will I hope in Him. The Lord is good to them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeks him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:22-261